9. The High-Flying Extravagance of Nigerian Diplomacy
As recently revealed by BudgIT’s GovSpend in July 2024, the Nigerian presidency has pulled off a billion-naira bonanza, spending a staggering N16.06 billion on foreign currencies for international trips in just one year. Yes, you heard that right: N16.06 billion
It’s almost as if President Bola Tinubu and his entourage have been on a year-long world tour, with stops at every glamorous hotspot and diplomatic gala imaginable. One might wonder if they’ve earned enough frequent flyer miles to circle the globe several times over. And who can blame them? When you’re spending N10.93 billion just on the president’s trips, you’ve got to make sure you’re getting the most out of every private jet.
The Vice President, not to be outdone, chipped in a modest N101.68 million for his excursions. It seems even the second-in-command needs a break from the rigors of governance, preferably somewhere in the Swiss Alps, where N426.88 million could get you a hot chocolate and a room with a view.
But let’s not forget the First Lady, whose globetrotting adventures cost a cool N623.05 million. Whether it’s Paris, Mozambique, or London, the First Lady’s itinerary reads like a travel blogger’s dream, each trip dripping with diplomatic necessity and, of course, high-end shopping sprees.
Even the Chief of Staff got in on the action, with N59.24 million allocated for international engagements. One might speculate that the Chief of Staff’s travels are akin to a VIP scouting mission for upcoming UN assemblies, ensuring every detail is as polished as the silverware at the banquet.
And who could overlook the Presidential Air Fleet? With N4.97 billion spent to keep those engines roaring and the champagne flowing at 35,000 feet, one can only admire the dedication to ensuring that the sky truly is the limit for our esteemed leaders.
Now, in the spirit of fairness, it’s important to note that the naira has recently taken quite a nosedive, plummeting over 70% against the dollar. So perhaps it’s not entirely the presidency’s fault that a trip that used to cost N464.5 million now requires N1.56 billion. After all, even leaders need their international pitstops, though at a discount rate, one would hope.
So, as we marvel at these astronomical expenses, let’s tip our hats to the Nigerian presidency for setting a new benchmark in extravagance. Who knew that international diplomacy could be so delightfully decadent? Cheers to another year of luxurious travel, as the rest of us hold our breaths and our wallets a little tighter!
8. EFCC and the Nigeria’s Midnight Magicians
The Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Ola Olukoyede, recently took to the podium to bemoan the magnitude of theft in the country, where he expressed disbelief that Nigeria still manages to stand on its own two feet. He probably checked those case piles of corruption cases files with a faint hope of finding the level of integrity of the people in government.
The esteemed chairman’s lament continues with tales of midnight magic tricks, where unspent budget allocations vanish into private accounts as the clock strikes twelve. It’s almost admirable how dedicated these corrupt elements are to their craft. If only they applied the same tenacity to nation-building.
In a moment of sheer optimism, Olukoyede suggests that removing public corruption would make Nigeria a better place. Revolutionary thought! It’s like saying that getting rid of termites would improve your wooden furniture.
To combat this rampant corruption, the EFCC now has a Department of Fraud Risk and Assessment and Control. Because nothing says “we’re serious about fighting corruption” like creating another bureaucratic department, right?
But let’s not forget the golden oldies that should keep Olukoyede awake at night.
What about the 2016 investigation by the Senate Committee on Banking into how MTN Nigeria, Dr. Okechukwu Enelamah, and four banks magically repatriated $13.9 billion?
What about the 2021 Senate probe into how Ministries, Departments, and Agencies (MDAs) managed to misplace N3 trillion in unremitted revenue between 2014 and 2020?
What about the 2017 EFCC investigation into a former Abia State Governor who allegedly diverted N525 billion? That’s an entire state’s budget disappearing like a rabbit in a hat.
What about the 2021 House of Representatives’ inquiry into a cozy $214,830,000 deal between the Federal Ministry of Transportation, NIMASA, and HLS International Limited?
Again, what about the 2021 Senate probe into the Budget Office Director General’s generous N19 billion payments to four MDAs without any pesky ministerial approval?
So here we are, another day, and probably with another set of dollars siphoned off into a private account, while the rest of us get to enjoy the pantomime of anti-corruption crusaders marveling at their own case files.
7. Farewell to Puppetry: Local Governments Break Free from Governors’ Grip
Ladies and gentlemen, gather around for the latest episode of “Who’s the Boss?”, featuring none other than our beloved Nigerian state governors and their unrelenting grip on local government funds.
The Supreme Court has recently delivered a thunderous verdict that said, “Local governments, you are now free! No longer shall you be the paupers in the castles of state governors, begging for the crumbs from their high tables.”
The verdict decreed that all funds meant for local governments must go directly to them. It’s like giving a teenager their allowance directly rather than through their notoriously spendthrift elder sibling.
For decades, our state governors have played the role of the overbearing elder sibling, taking the local governments’ lunch money and promising to buy them something nice with it later. Spoiler alert: “later” never comes, and that promised bicycle remains a distant dream. But fear not, the Supreme Court has come to the rescue, wielding the Constitution like a superhero’s shield.
The Attorney General, Lateef Fagbemi, had been on a crusade worthy of a medieval knight, fighting for the autonomy of our 774 local governments. His battle cry? “No more joint accounts!” Because let’s face it, joint accounts don’t appear to work well in the murky waters of Nigerian politics.
So, here’s to a new era where local governments might finally get to taste the fruits of their labour, rather than just the bitter rind left by their elder siblings. Cheers to the Supreme Court for giving local governments the financial independence they deserve.
Now, let’s see if they can handle their newfound freedom without turning into spendthrift teenagers. So, pass the popcorn, as this is going to be a show to remember.
6. The 12-year plan: Nigeria’s procrastination masterclass on Oronsaye Report
Let’s kindly look at the long-awaited implementation of the Oronsaye Report, which stands as an excellent pointer to the Nigerian government’s knack for punctuality. Who needs timely reforms when you can simply wait 12 years? President Bola Tinubu’s directive on February 26, 2024, to dust off this bureaucratic relic is nothing short of a masterclass in procrastination.
Imagine the delight of discovering that the number of federal parastatals has skyrocketed from 541 to a staggering 1,316 since the report’s inception in 2011. It’s almost as if the previous governments took Oronsaye’s recommendations as a dare to generously triple their inefficiencies. After all, why merely cut costs when you can bloat the payroll and balloon the budget?
Speaking of budgets, the 2024 appropriation bill, a generous N28.7 trillion, allocated a whopping 43 percent to non-debt recurrent expenditure. And in a delightful twist of irony, the personnel cost for Ministries, Departments, and Agencies (MDAs) is pegged at N4.9 trillion. Efficiency at its finest!
The report suggested merging the CCB, EFCC, and ICPC to streamline operations. But why follow through when you can maintain a trinity of agencies, each with its own hefty budget? EFCC gets N76.586 billion, ICPC N14.525 billion, and CCB N49 billion – because redundancy is evidently the new efficiency.
Also, combining NTDC, NCAC, and NOA into one mega-agency is the pinnacle of cost-cutting genius Nigeria has been waiting for, because nothing boosts efficiency like mixing up tourism, arts, and national orientation into a single bureaucratic cocktail.
And let’s not forget the no-job-loss-palliative promise. It’s almost endearing how the government assures workers of job security while plotting to merge and scrap agencies.
So now, the government has finally formed a 10-member committee to address the decade-old bureaucratic nostalgia. Perhaps more committees will be created to tackle the recommendations. So here we are, 12 years later, with a government ready to “scratch the surface” and call it reform.
5. The Kingdom of the Super Agencies: When Regulators Become Tycoons
Nigeria, the land of endless opportunity -especially if you’re a government agency with a knack for collecting fees, levies, and fines. Here, the true mark of success is not in public service or national development, but in how much revenue one can squeeze from businesses and citizens. The more money you can extract, the more you can spend, and if the law allows it, why not?
Let’s look into this fascinating world of Nigerian super agencies, where revenue collection and profligacy go hand-in-hand, creating a cycle so absurd, it might just be genius.
First up, we have the Federal Inland Revenue Service (FIRS), the Nigerian Customs Service (NCS), and the Nigerian Upstream Petroleum Regulatory Commission (NUPRC). These three musketeers of taxation are the epitome of fiscal gluttony. In 2024, they are set to collectively hoard N861.49 billion. For context, this is more than the National Judicial Council and the National Assembly combined. Imagine a tax collector who earns more than the judges who rule on tax disputes and the legislators who write tax laws. The irony is delicious.
Then there’s the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation Limited (NNPCL), which has turned into a cash-sucking behemoth. Scheduled to rake in N776.45 billion in 2024, this entity alone will receive more than 470% of the National Judicial Council’s budget. It’s like giving your vacuum cleaner a separate bank account and watching it accumulate more wealth than the house it cleans.
Our heroes in the second tier of fiscal gluttony include the National Information Technology Development Agency (NITDA), the National Sugar Development Council (NSDC), and the Nigerian Midstream and Downstream Petroleum Regulatory Authority (NMDPRA). These agencies are the embodiment of middle-management excess, siphoning funds from specific revenue streams they don’t even generate. It’s the bureaucratic equivalent of getting paid just for showing up.
The crème de la crème, however, are the third-category agencies like the Federal Competition and Consumer Protection Commission (FCCPC). In 2023, FCCPC generated N56 billion, mostly from penalties against businesses. They graciously remitted N22.4 billion to the federal government, keeping the lion’s share for themselves. From raising N154 million in 2017 to N33.6 billion in 2023, this growth rate would make any startup founder weep with envy.
But why stop there? These agencies have mastered the art of lavish spending. They allocate billions for office furniture, staff retreats, and long service awards. The FIRS plans to spend N26.52 billion on new offices, because clearly, tax collection needs the ambiance of luxury.
One might think that such blatant excess would attract scrutiny and reform. But in Nigeria, the answer to a super agency’s bloat is to create more super agencies. Each new entity clamors for its piece of the revenue pie, perpetuating a cycle of fiscal absurdity that is as hilarious as it is tragic.
In conclusion, Nigeria’s super agencies are a solid proof to how creative accounting and legislative loopholes can transform public service into a lucrative enterprise. They remind us that in the exciting corridors of Nigerian bureaucracy, the true path to prosperity lies not in innovation or efficiency, but in mastering the fine art of collecting and spending other people’s money.
Welcome to the Nigerian Mirage, where the road to fiscal heaven is paved with public fund, and the potholes are lined with gold.
4. The White Lion’s Dance with the EFCC
The former governor of Kogi State, or more precisely, the former White Lion of Kogi, Alhaji Yahaya Bello, has recently managed to turn a serious corruption charge into a riveting reality show.
The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, with its noble mandate to fight corruption, finds itself in a bizarre dance-off with the self-describing Lion, a man whose tenacity for evasion could give Olympic sprinters a run for their money.
The saga unfolded like a Nollywood thriller, with Bello slipping through the EFCC’s fingers at his opulent residence in Abuja. The plot thickened as Bello, accused of laundering a staggering N80 billion, moved from court to court, trying to evade justice with the grace of a ballet dancer.
Maybe his bold escapades made him think of himself as a White Lion, though a ‘White Rabbit’ would be more fitting given his penchant for running, because despite the EFCC with an abundance of operatives besieging his house, only for him to vanish like smoke, the agency’s expertise is somewhat stretched thin.
Amidst this chaos, one can’t help but marvel at the irony. The EFCC, guardian of Nigeria’s anti-corruption crusade, found itself outwitted by a former governor playing hide-and-seek. But the struggle continues, with each side perfecting its role in this tragicomic saga of Nigerian politics.
Now, as the anti-graft agency’s Chairman has pledged to bring him to justice, one has to admire Bello’s audacity. After all, who knew fighting corruption could be this entertaining?
#satirecorner
3. The $75m Training for Dummies: Abuja Metro Rail Edition
As usual, here comes another story of Nigerian leaders’ dubious extravagance. We are talking about the noble endeavor of training personnel for the Abuja Light Rail project at only $75 million, a mere pittance compared to the original $128 million.
Surely, training Nigerian personnel to oversee railway signals at 12 stations must be akin to teaching rocket science. Perhaps, it’s because they need to master the ancient art of turning trains into spaceships.
Minister Wike’s Herculean effort to cut down the cost to $75 million is nothing short of legendary. One can only marvel at the complexity of the additional work required. After all, cleaning up 12 stations must be as arduous as scrubbing the Great Wall of China with a toothbrush.
Meanwhile, the military’s reluctance to share land in Maitama 2 District is the plot twist we didn’t see coming. Their steadfast grip on barracks ensures civilians remain at bay, thus keeping the budget a cool N1.15 trillion.
And so Wike’s promise to negotiate with the military, because, of course, diplomacy is always easier than simply building elsewhere – adds another layer to this epic saga. A true testament to the complexities of urban development in Nigeria, especially when politics denies transparency a chance!
2. Emefiele: The Nigeria’s Picasso of Paper Money
One of the most popular symphonies of corruption recently played out in Nigeria’s apex bank, CBN, where after a series of allegations that trailed its immediate former Governor, Godwin Emefiele, Nigerians woke up to another dizzying shock.
With a flourish of his pen, Emefiele allegedly orchestrated the printing of N684.5 million fresh naira notes using N18.96 billion. You heard it right. It means using N18.96 million to print cash that’s of 27000% less value.
But, well, justice has prevailed as the honorable court granted our fiscal hero bail to the tune of a mere N300 million. A small price to pay for a man of such distinguished pedigree, wouldn’t you agree?
The allegation, whether true or false, isn’t surprising as Emefiele is not merely a one-hit wonder. He has a repertoire of charges against him that would make even the most audacious embezzler blush with envy. From breaching court orders to disobeying the sacred directives of the Central Bank Act, Emefiele’s portfolio of alleged offenses reads like the greatest compilation of corruption.
And let us not forget the pièce de résistance: the naira swap policy, a stroke of genius that transformed the nation’s currency into a political pawn in the game of electoral chess. You know, the lengths one would go to in order to combat vote buying.
Yet amidst the chaos and controversy, one thing remains certain: in the theatre of Nigeria’s public management where honesty is a foreign concept and integrity is as elusive as a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Emefiele’s legacy as the Picasso of Paper Money will surely endure for generations to come.
- Three in-laws and a sibling in court
In the grand spectacle of Nigerian politics, where honesty and integrity are as rare as unicorns, we witness yet another riveting episode: A father, daughter and son-in-law recently gathered in court over corruption charges. The family that embezzles together, stays together, right?
Our protagonist, the ‘illustrious’ former minister of aviation, Hadi Sirika, stands tall amidst the corruption allegations, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of ethical bankruptcy. His daughter and son-in-law, Fatima and Jalal, charmingly joined the fray, completing the scheme of familial fiscal impropriety. It’s almost heartwarming, isn’t it?
They weren’t content with merely fleecing the nation; they had to spice things up with some consultancy roles in the failed Nigerian Air saga. Because nothing screams professionalism like hiring your own kin for a national project destined for failure.
Allegations, you say? Oh, just a trifling matter of consultancy roles in the grand spectacle of Nigerian Air’s spectacular nosedive into oblivion. It seems that even in the noble pursuit of a national carrier, there’s always room for a bit of family business on the side.
We thought we had seen it all until the EFCC unearthed another family member to complete the cast. The former aviation minister’s younger brother, Ahmad Sirika, and his company, Enginos Nigeria Limited, were involved in a staggering N19.4 billion fraud case. With contracts allegedly funneled to a family-owned enterprise, it seems the ties of blood run deep in this tale of financial folly.
So, let us raise our glasses to this illustrious trio, plus 1, and probably others, whose exploits remind us that in the grand opera of life, one must always have a few in-laws in court to keep things interesting.